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Believing myself alienated from God, determined to make my own way, and confused about what that way would be, I embarked on a journey after high school graduation that took me down fallacious roads many beloveds would not have imagined possible for me.

Blaming others, living without intention, believing in illusion, trying to escape—what, I did not know.

Unaware of conditioning and conditioned behavior, I ignorantly walked into a life of drugs, alcohol, infidelities and eventually divorce—leaving a trail of hurt and wounding in my wake.

What was I seeking?

I had turned my back on God, all the time believing He had turned his back on me.

The heartbreaking, traumatic, and distressing experience of divorce forced my hand, so to speak. Woefully unprepared to raise three sons (all under the age of six), I opened the only Book I knew of at that time—a Bible—hoping to find answers.

I poured over the pages and I poured out every unpleasant, ugly, and harsh emotion inside me.

God took them—God took it all.

That’s when I saw it, saw what I had been searching for:

“I had heard about you with my ears, but now my eye sees you; therefore, I reject  (that which I came to be conditioned by) and repent in dust and ashes.” Job 42:5-6

Whatever your preferred label, “born again” or “awakened,” it happened.

“Therefore, if anyone is united with the Messiah, he is a new creation – the old has passed; look, what has come is fresh and new!” Second Corinthians 5:17

Spiritual enlightenment is not without its challenges, (John 16:33)

“In the world, you have tsuris (trouble, aggravation). But be brave! I have conquered the world.”

Missteps, mistaken perceptions–shedding them, casting them away and trusting.

In spite of blessings, beauty and Grace, living in this world still worries and frightens me. But each time I surrender, God reminds me “. . . Don’t be afraid, just keep trusting.” (Mark 5:36)

A favorite poet, Hafiz, says it this way:

I
Do not
Want to step so quickly
Over a beautiful line on God’s palm
As I move through the earth’s
Marketplace
Today.

I do not want to touch any object in this world
Without my eyes testifying to the truth
That everything is
My Beloved.

Something has happened
To my understanding of existence
That now makes my heart always full of wonder
And kindness.

I do not
Want to step so quickly
Over this sacred place on God’s body
That is right beneath your
Own foot

As I
Dance with
Precious life
Today.